By Ed Fisher
According to recent surveys in the United States, nearly 20 million couples have a sexless marriage. Relationship experts define this type of marriage as one in which the couple engages in sexual intimacy no more than ten times in a year. In my case it was even less than that. I would go 6 plus months at a time. For some couples, that type of situation may actually suit them just fine, but for the majority, it’s a problem.
Sex is an Important Part of Marriage
Sex helps to build and maintain the bonds between you and your spouse. Without sex those bonds
will gradually weaken. There is actually a chemical released in the brain during sex called oxytocin that allows people to become more attached to each other. Get the idea? – Sex helps to keep people connected to their spouse in a very real way! Lose the sex and your marriage steadily weakens. So if you’re not having sex with your spouse, YOU MUST DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT, or you will grow apart.
Lots of therapists put the blame for a sexless marriage squarely on the woman and her “lack of sex drive.” Their answer is to “spice things up” in the bedroom with sex toys and role playing all sorts of other nonsense that might be exciting for a while but are just temporary fixes. The true cause is usually more complicated. Often, when a woman seems to have a low desire for sex, it’s because she lacks that emotional “connection” with her husband. This can be the result of arguing, dissatisfaction, stress, or any number of marital problems. If these other problems can be overcome, her sex drive will gradually return as her emotional connection to her husband strengthens.
Similarly, a man experiencing difficulty in the marriage will be reluctant to try to “push” his wife into having sex. He may also have “given up” trying to have sex with her. On one level he may even tell himself that he isn’t “attracted to her” anymore. The reality is, if he started having fulfilling sex with her again, he would quickly find himself just as attracted to her as he ever was. The brain is an amazing organ that literally rewires itself to make that happen. In fact, a man with a low sexual interest in his wife might find that fantasizing about her, instead of thinking about other women, will strengthen her appeal. You can literally rewire your brain to be attracted to your wife in the same way that someone who watches too much pornography will be wired to become excited by someone who resembles a “porn star.” I say think about your wife, not a stranger!
My point is that the real problem is the lack of emotional connection. Rebuilding that connection by improving the overall relationship can be an important factor in fixing your sexless marriage and there are proven, tried-and-true methods that many couples have used to strengthen their marriages and get the sex happening again.
In my own case, I went 2+ years in a sexless marriage and turned it around with some great self-help products I found on the internet after I’d wasted a bunch of money on couples counseling that went terribly wrong. I would much rather get the tools to do the job myself than risk couples counseling with someone who probably doesn’t have the experience or the track record of the people who’ve put together the products I use and recommend. Instead, start with a great product designed specifically to help people dealing with this exact situation, Fix My Sexless Marriage, which I reviewed earlier on this blog. You should also sign up for my free email series, full of terrific, effective advice to improve your overall marriage. Just sign up on the form at the bottom of the page and I’ll send a few everyday for a couple of weeks and then that’s it. No spam. I respect your privacy. In that email series I talk a lot about a couple of other self-help products that I used and you’ll want to hear about them too. So sign up and start working on your marriage right away.
You don’t need counseling to bring sex back to your marriage. You can do it better yourself. You need to find out why your marriage is sexless. You have to locate expert resources and advice that can show you what has gone wrong. You need to figure out what will work in your situation. And finally, YOU NEED TO TAKE ACTION! Your marriage isn’t going to improve by itself even if you know where the problems lie. So check out the tools I used to fix my own marriage and use them to make your marriage the marriage you really want and need. Your spouse will thank you for it… even between the sheets!